Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Have you ever noticed.....

how things always get really bad, just before they start to get better?

Just over a week ago, I was asking myself what is the point? The point of what?

Well, the point of lots of things really
- of an existence where you don't contribute to society in a positive way?
- of studying for something when you can hardly spend any time doing it because of poor health?
And why have I got this life? Not why me, specifically, but more why would anyone be given this life? WHAT'S THE POINT???

I was spending a lot of time mulling over these thoughts and had come to a place where it was feeling quite unbearable. Don't worry, I wasn't considering suicide, I'm not that self-centred. I couldn't do it to the people I love - I know it would distress them too much...

And then I realized, just my existence IS ENOUGH for the people who love me and who I love. I don't have to do anything, just the fact that I exist gives joy.

It might sound silly, but that realization has been incredibly freeing to me. It doesn't mean I don't still want to do things, to set goals and have achievements, and that on any particular day I might be frustrated about having low energy, but since I realized that just existing or "being" is enough, I can be so much more relaxed about it all. This is a big step for a perfectionist.

This has lasted for just over a week now and doesn't seem to be disappearing. It seems I have finally learnt for myself that to just be, is enough.

This ties in with something my husband taught me about 10 years ago. He made me aware of the Oscar Wilde version of an old adage. Wilde maintained:

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing badly.

Title: The Artwork Nobody Got

I puzzled over this for a few years, wondering why, in my perfectionist's mind, you wouldn't do it well. Then one day when I was trying out a new art technique, it dawned on me. I hadn't created anything too brilliant, but I was having SO MUCH FUN! This was something it was definitely worth doing, even though I did not do it at all well. And I realized, there really are some things in life that are so wonderful, so nourishing to the soul, that it doesn't matter how you do them, just as long as you do them.

So go out and do something badly that you love today..... it's important!


  1. Amanda, are you reading my mind by any chance? Thank you for showing me a new perspective to ponder on a question that I ask myself constantly, "what's the point?". I'm off to have a go at doing something badly. Why? Because I can!

  2. Oh Amanda, I am so glad I found your blog (via Artwords - thank you for your comment on my 'gothic' piece). I have been wondering what on earth is the matter with me this week - feeling just like you describe. You, however, have managed to get it all into words perfectly! I walked my dog in tears the other morning, in some kind of despair, and have written in my journal exactly the same things about 'just being'! Just have to convince myself that it really is enough, now! Thank you SO much for sharing your deep feelings - you have helped at least two people now with this post! Bless you xXx

  3. You are absolutely right!

    The fact that you exist doesn't need any plan or strategy. You can relax on it. :)

    Marloes (the legally deafblind one from the bookarts group ;)